Well, my legs got to have their grand moment. And what a moment it was.
San Diego blessed me with enough warmth that no table flipping was needed. And though my legs didn’t quite get to shine in the sun, they glowed in the dark. And who would have known that moments of pure happiness and bliss could so quickly turn to those of sadness and self-loathing. That in a days time, the sun, the ocean would be completely gone and instead of rays of light, clouds of fog and swirls of wind would consume my world and my heart and head. That my tears would be just as constant as the rain. That my legs would become as dull as the sky.
I mean really, who would have known that sneaking around with a no good boy would end up being no good? Stupid me to not suspect that the no good boy was literally and actually no good at all. I’m a fucking idiot.
Southern California is in a drought, so we need this rain, we need this storm so everything can be happy and fresh and clean and green again. But until then, everything is drenched in ugliness and misery. The trees are drooping under the weight of the rain and being snapped in half and whipped around by the relentless wind. What I can see of the slate grey sea is that it is choppy and angry. The rest is a blur; grey clouds, grey wind, grey rain, grey cold. I’m blinded by the blustering elements. They’re violently thrashing at the windows, trying to force themselves in. The rain, like a dagger, to slice me up, the wind, like a noose, to strangle me.
If San Diego can make it through the next four days, hopefully I can too. But my storm is forecast to last much longer. I want to come out fresh and happy and green and clean on the other side as well, but I don’t know if it’s possible. This year I’ve experienced a lot of change, mostly in myself. I’m not the person I was a year ago, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve shocked myself and I’m confused about what it even means to be me, Jade Alexandra. What do I even value? What to I believe in? What are my limits? Who the hell am I?
I never thought I’d be at the place I am today, or done the things I’ve done. I’d hoped that the first time I said, I would be at some special event as the guest of honor, accepting an award for my accomplishments. But I don’t know if the things I’ve done or the place I’m at could be seen as an accomplishment. But I can’t decide if I’m failing myself either. I can’t determine if I’m disapointed in myself for who I’m becoming, or simply just feeling the loss of an old me. Change is good, they say. But change can also be for the worse.
I do know that I used to think of myself as a strong person, and I don’t know if I am anymore. I’m constantly unsure, constantly failing, constantly weak. I used to know what was good and bad for me, and was sure of those decisions, but now the lines are blurred. I want to be able to look at one of my current situations and say, “This is bad for you. You’re damaging yourself in more ways than one. You’re just going to get hurt later.” I want to say to another, “Stop whining and complaining. Buckle down and deal with it. Stop being a pussy, suck it up, and work hard. Do your best.” But I can’t.
Mostly I just don’t want to do anything I’ll regret. But how do I know I’ll regret it until after the fact? Do I live life in fear of never taking any risks, never putting myself out there, never doing anything in case I may regret it later? That could be a regret in itself. I need to just live my life the best that I can, and if I make mistakes, then I make them and I figure it out later. But I can’t help but feel I’m consciously walking into multiple mistakes and yet at the same time, I’m over giving a fuck.
The conflict I’m experiencing is unreal. I’m confused and lost. And I don’t have anything to tether me down, any place to find my footing, anything I’m sure about. It’s been a rough three weeks indeed.
Fortunately, the storm seems to have calmed for now, and writing this post seems to have calmed me down as well. In a few hours I’m going home for some much needed rest and relaxation and time away from the problems that are haunting me here at school. Out of sight, out of mind right?
Nope, pretty much no. 90% sure I’ll be crying all weekend too.
- Jade Alexandra