Empty, Lonely

The table is small, square. He’s seated by the window where the sunlight filters onto his blond hair. There’s room for two (or even three) but he sits solitarily, staring across at the unfilled chair; empty, lonely. The phone obstructs their lonesome gaze. The screen, a mask, covers his face as he aimlessly taps and scrolls. His hands are employed by only his phone, his fork, his fruit. They are not gesturing wildly, happily, telling stories and giving hugs or high fives. A voice calls his name faintly over the clamor of plates and chatter of tongues and for one moment they’re hired for a brush of the hair from the face, for one brief wave. Then they take off the mask and set it down; he’s entertained only by looking around. Downcast eyes gaze around the room as he chews, unnoticed by everyone. With both hands around his cup, he raises his coke to his lips and takes a sip. It lingers there, grasped by his hands as if it were a friend while the vacant chair stares at them. Unacknowledged by those passing by, he gathers his things and takes his leave. The table stands empty, lonely.

***

Just wanted to share a little piece of creative nonfiction I wrote for a class today. The concept of creative nonfiction is new to me; I don’t know if that’s because I’m stupid or because that fact that you would write nonfiction using your creativity was painstakingly obvious that I never gave it a second thought. Regardless, I have a feeling I’m going to learn a lot and really grow as both a writer and a person in this class. I’m blessed to have an amazing professor; an extremely talented, hilarious, intelligent, and caring man who is the perfect person to help guide me through this tumultuous semester of a new major and a new beginning. We had a 200 word limit to describe any scene (mine occurred in the cafeteria) to our best ability. I’m not completely satisfied with it but I think it’ll do for my first ever nonfiction assignment. I think.

Or maybe I just suck. It’s extremely possible.

– Jade Alexandra

80’s Skoolgurl (aka “Cool Girl”)

Well, what do you know. It’s finally becoming winter in SoCal. Although most of December was quite chilly, San Diego kicked off 2014 in true California fashion with spring break weather in the middle of January. So we packed away our sweaters and brought out the shorts and headed for the beach. I love warm weather and I never plan on living anywhere besides Southern California where I can get this rad weather all the time. But after much tanning and sweating, the clouds and cold started to roll in today and I was forced to pair my T-shirt and high-waisted schoolgirl skirt with tights and boots for classes today (you know since it was 70 degrees instead of 85).

Head to Toe:

OVERSIZED TEE – I adore this shirt and I didn’t pay a single cent for it. A neighbor  had a bunch of them lying around and gave my family some. Apparently it’s from the MTV show Rob and Big (hence “Big Black” being printed on it along with his face) which I never watched but it has a very thuggy, ghetto fabulous feel to it which I’ve noticed is pretty in right now.

PLAID SKIRT – This is my most recent purchase ($10 babyyy) and I’m already in love. The plaid blue/grey print is relatively small so you can’t see it in the picture. But it the pleats and pattern make it feel very schoolgirl which I love. Paired with the Dr. Martens, grungy tee, and my massive hair, the look definitely has an 80’s vibe.

OPAQUE TIGHTS – Seriously these are a must have. They go with everything (b/c black) and really help transition the wearability of clothes from the warmer months to the colder season.

DR. MARTENS – See, I told you I’d get good usage out of these babies.

DENIM JACKET NOT PICTURED – I threw on my denim jacket over the whole look whenever the sun hid away for a little while today which also  gave the outfit an 80’s feel. (Fun fact: If I could have grown up in any era it most definitely would have been the 80’s.)

What I loved about this outfit: simple (yet fashion forward), easy (to put together) , comfortable (to wear), versatile (since all of these pieces can be worn so many more ways), cheap (cuz nothing was purchased at full price). I’m super stoked about about the skirt and I cant wait until I get to wear it on a nice sunny day sans tights. Hope you all aren’t freezing in the polar vortex; I’d share some of my sunshine with you!

– Jade Alexandra

Blogging’s Hard When You’re Me

Hello to my blog that I can already tell is quickly going to become abandoned. So for all you nearly non-existent readers, CONGRATULATIONS! You won’t have to deal with avoiding my posts popping up in your news feed / reader-y thing very often.

My three day weekend was equally parts strange and fantastic….So essentially it was just a continuation of the week I had been having. However, the break from classes was the most important thing. And although I had some schoolwork, it was nice to have one less stress. I did lots of insignificant stuff this weekend that I can hardly remember though at the time these events were fun and enjoyable and also strange of course. Because it wouldn’t be my life if everything good and wonderful wasn’t somehow tainted in some unfortunate way.

I attended a basketball game against our school’s rivals. Our girl’s team kicked butt and the boys lost by one with 5 seconds left on the clock. So that was both exciting and sad.

I went on a super long hike that was hell on the way up but extremely enjoyable on the way down. By super long I mean 8 miles and in the heat of midday. However, I went with good friends and we had good laughs and saw some pretty good views from the top of the mammoth mountain we conquered two hours later. Fortunately, it only took us 45 minutes to get back to clean pavement and civilization after being surrounded by nature’s suffocating dust, scary insects, scratchy branches, steep rocky dangerous hills beauty.

I went to a dance that began as extremely strange and awkward, turned out to be a lot of fun and a fantastic stress reliever, and then ended extremely strangely and awkwardly again. So that was cool. Or not. I can’t decide. I guess I’ll go with “not” since I cried for a solid hour in the parking lot at midnight directly afterwards.

I visited my parents, got all my textbooks for this semester sorted, and tried to submit my passport application and failed, bursting out into tears at the post office when the lady told me I had the wrong version of my birth certificate. Like wtf, it’s not my fault that because the entire system changed after I was born the certificate my parents received on the day of my birth is no longer official enough to validly prove I am truly Jade Alexandra and therefore am qualified to travel to other countries. Yeah this section of the weekend was rough.

I did homework and went to a bonfire and had a long lovely dinner with a friend of mine who I enjoy immensely but don’t often get to spend quality time with due to opposite schedules and majors and social circles and whatnot. So that was lovely. I also was able to see the friend I was disappointed at not seeing last week. So that was lovely as well. Reunions all around and my desires to see certain people were satisfied (thank GOD I was going insane). Maybe a little too satisfied in a certain perspective. I just hope that the intense time spent together will pull us closer together rather than further apart.

I honestly do not know how I am going to continue with this blog. I swear to those of you who might care about the words I mindlessly spew on this computer screen that I will do my best to keep track of my thoughts and life on here as much as possible. I know writing more often and practicing the fine art of shaping thoughts into words and transferring them from my black hole mind to paper -slash-screen was a big goal of mine for this year, hence the creation of this blog. But when there are such things as 7:30 am classes and sleep, it’s really hard to see it as a priority in the moment. Same goes for homework and boys and crying over them in equal amounts; clearly MUCH more important than writing about said experiences. Right? Right? WRONG! I ACTUALLY LEGITIMATELY SUCK AT THIS SO HARD.

But that’s not too surprising, actually… Soooo, instead of talking about you know, important and thought inducing  topics like sex, self-respect, social constructions, injustice, and inequality (aka all things relevant to this weekend in one way or another) I’m gonna go to sleep.

– Jade Alexandra

Petition for 3 Day Weekends Every Weekend

All I can say is THANK GOD it’s almost Friday. After just three more  measly classes tomorrow it’ll be the freakin weekend. So thanks to Martin Luther King Jr. for the much needed 3 day break. This has been the longest strangest week of my life. I didn’t expect the adjustment back to the daily grind of school life to be this difficult. Well, the social part has been relatively easy. But my body isn’t used to the early mornings and late nights and my brain isn’t used to having to focus on lectures and do homework. I need this break so bad.

I’m worried that it’s only the first week (and a shortened week at that) and I’m already struggling. I just hope that it’s a readjustment thing and I’ll get over it and used to it and then be ok. I’m not sure if that sentence made sense. I’m extremely tired.

I’m unsure about like every single one of my classes. There isn’t any single one that I’m in love with yet, which is making me uncomfortable and intimidated. And considering I have three classes in my newly declared major, I’m almost second guessing my decision because I’m not loving it yet. But it’s only been almost one week. I should give it time.

I feel like I had more to say when I started this post, something deep and profound but I’m actually falling asleep as I’m typing. But before I go I’ll end with a question: Why can’t we have three-day weekends every weekend? Like think about it, what if you had all of Friday off from school. It would give you time to do everything you needed to do. You could sleep in and watch Netflix and be lazy on one of the days, go out and do something fun and exciting on the second day, and have the third to do homework and chores. With only Saturday and Sunday, there is just not enough time to do all the resting and partying and studying there is to do. Who do I need to talk to to make three-day weekends a permanent thing? I’ll start a petition, get signatures, send it to Obama or something. I don’t know. I’ll figure it out. But I can’t do that until I’ve had sleep. So with that, goodnight.

– Jade Alexandra

Disappointed, Disjointed

The feeling of disappointment is honestly one of the worst feelings ever.

My day proved to be rather long and stressful and although it had its good moments, I couldn’t help but hope and look forward to the opportunity to relax, de-stress, and get distracted by having a little fun with a friend tonight. But that opportunity came and went and the evening I was hoping for did not happen at all. And I guess I’m partially to blame as I didn’t take any obvious, real action into making the evening I dreamed of happen. But for the first time in like ever I ignored the natural planner in me and decided to sit back and let things happen on their own terms instead of forcing myself upon my friend who may have had other plans for the evening. I should have just texted them to see what was up. But no, I thought I could play it cool and be laid back and easy-going and whatever about it.

At the same time I don’t feel like it’s my fault completely; circumstantial events and situations kept said friend and I apart all day, so we never had the opportunity to touch bases with each other and see what was up for tonight, if anything. If I knew we would have to wait for another night to hang, I wouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. I just hate the unknown. And there’s just a lot of unknowns in our friendship. But they were busy and I was busy and neither of us communicated effectively so our possible evening came and went and now I’m feeling disappointed and disjointed, like I’m missing something that was essential to my day. Because if I had had my ideal evening I would certainly not be sitting alone in my dorm room right now typing this post and feeling upset and unwanted.

But, so what? My evening did not go as planned, oh well. I still got to hang out with other friends and we had a good night together. I wish I would have enjoyed it more instead of thinking about the other friend the majority of the time. And having the dorm to myself tonight makes me feel lonelier after my missed friend date, but I should be happy I get the room to myself for a little while.  And as for spending time with the friend being missed, there’s always tomorrow and the rest of the weekend to have a good time together. Everything happens the way it does for whatever reason. But if it’s meant to happen it will and on its own time. There will be other nights.

I don’t know if giving myself that hope is a good thing considering the hope I had for this night is what led to the disappointment I’m feeling now. But it’s true I guess. And it’s inevitable that as the semester goes on and we get used to all the new classes and activities we’re tackling, we’ll be able to work out our combined schedules and see we’ll be able to spend time together. Until then, disappointment sucks and I’ll be trying not to get too hopeful the rest of the week that way I can let myself be fully happy and surprised and overcome with joy when it just works out for the two of us to be reunited.

– Jade Alexandra

Happy to be Home

Wow, so one day back to school and I’m already missing blog posts. This is definitely going to say a lot about me as the semester wears on. I basically have had nothing going on these first few days…you know, except for catching up with all my friends who I haven’t seen in weeks or months. In terms of homework, a little light reading, but that’s all. I’ve only just dipped my pinky toe into this semester and I’m already slacking on this blog deal. I can already tell this semester is going to be a doozy so I beg of you ahead of time, bear with me. It might get a little crazy over here.

But despite the impending craziness….HOLY CRAP I’M SO HAPPY TO BE BACK! Apart from my first day of classes today which were slightly stressful, I literally could not be happier. I’m happy to be back on my beautiful campus with this amazing summer weather and in my own space in my cute little dorm and seeing all the different friendly faces around again. I’m happy to be back with the girls in my hall and seeing all my friends who are coming back from Europe and catching up with everyone. I’m happy to be reunited with my roommate. Gosh, I barely made it through the three weeks without her; I don’t even know how we managed to be apart all summer last year. Everyone else returning to campus is stoked to be here too so right now it’s just such a great atmosphere; everyone is so excited to see their friends again and be back soaking up this San Diego sun. It just feels really good. I’m super lucky to go to a school where the community is so tight-knit and overall awesome. Like I even feel happy to see just familiar faces, even if I don’t know the name of the person who they belong to. I just feel back in my element. Back at home.

Honestly though, my homecoming couldn’t have gone much better than it did. Luckily, we didn’t have class yesterday  so I had a whole day to move in, unpack, clean, get settled, and get ready for this spring semester. All day I just hung out, laid back, and caught up with so many people I was so excited to see. And the best part is that the different friend groups and social dynamics all seem to be going really well so far. I don’t know if it’s just the initial newness and excitement of everything that’s making everything fine right now, but regardless, I’ll take it while I can and we’ll see how things go. Unfortunately, my evening didn’t start out as well as I’d hoped, but it was a slight hiccup in a night that ended oh so perfectly. I GOT MY HAPPY HUGGY KISSY HOMECOMING. EMPHASIS ON KISSY! Like lots and lots of emphasis on kissy. And there was definitely some cute, cuddly’s in there too. AAaah!

Sorry, excuse my inner teenage girl, I’m just really happy. Which is a serious improvement to how I was feeling the last week of break, aka not so hot. Not to mention being a little down in the dumps, I was getting so nervous about the upcoming semester. I was seriously so terrified that my relationships with certain people would have changed over the time and distance apart of the break. But my wonderful experiences over the past 48 hours have proved my fears to be completely wrong and totally silly. Thank. GOD. I don’t know what I would have done.

So yeah, so far, things are looking up. Granted, it’s only been two days since being back, but hopefully I can ride this wave of happiness and good fortune into the new semester for a while. I’m definitely not ready for the stress and drama and craziness quite yet. I want this good feeling to last as long as possible. And these good times with my good friends.  And those better than good kisses and cuddles? Yeah, they can stick along for the ride too.

– Jade Alexandra

Second Homes & Social Anxiety

Tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day I return to my second home. Tomorrow I return to my second family. Tomorrow I return to school. It’s kinda weird that I have two places that I think of equally as home and that one of those places is my university. But at the same time, it’s a really amazing and special thing. I have two locations, two support systems, two communities in which I am loved and am comfortable existing in.

I spent the day packing and cleaning up my bedroom at home, doing laundry, getting together all my books, the whole deal. I’m so excited to get back. So many of my friends have already returned, getting to school and unpacking today. I miss them all terribly. Unlike me, so many of my friends live so far from school so there’s no way I could see them over the three weeks of break. Some of my friends I haven’t seen since May when school got out last year as quite a few of them studied abroad this past fall semester. This makes me so much more excited to see them and catch up and hear about all their foreign adventures,  but at the same time a part of me is really nervous.

It’s like a sort of social anxiety I’m feeling. I’m nervous about how things will have changed in my relationships with my friends and within my different social circles in the time I’ve been apart from these people. There’s certain people who I know for sure things will be just the same as before I left for break. My roommate for example and the girls in my dorm who are returning and I’ve spent every day in close community with since August. But some of the girls in my dorm are leaving and others (who have just come back from studying in Europe) are replacing them. I wonder how that will affect the social dynamic of the hall. And in a similar example, a girl from my main friend group last year went abroad this first semester, another friend from that group decided to take this semester off and is not returning, two friends in the group have been constantly breaking up and making up and currently are broken up…..the group of friends have sort of fizzled and fallen apart since we all first met and I’m worried about the new social dynamic this semester after so much has changed, especially with one of us returning and expecting it to be the same as it always was. Lastly, there are some people who I was just starting to get close with as the semester ended. After three weeks apart and with having different schedules in this new semester, it’s possible that the newly budding relationships will suffer. Maybe we won’t see each other as often and the progress we made towards becoming friends will unravel, especially after three weeks of not tending to and spending time on the friendship.

I know it’s pointless to worry. Things will turn out like they’re going to turn out. Worrying about the social dynamics of my friends isn’t going to change anything. All I can do is get back to school and just see how things go. I don’t think the social changes this semester will be bad, they’re just going to be different. And until you get used to it, different can be unsettling and scary. But on a day to day basis, at school I’m surrounded with so many amazing, talented, intelligent, caring, and very special people. So regardless of the people coming and going and re-entering my life things will be fine, and more than likely, things will turn out great. Possibly for the better.

Positivity isn’t naturally one of my more prominent strengths. I’m trying not to be my normal negative self and hope for the best. Maybe the hall dynamic will be even better, the new people will add new life and new spice to our daily community living. Maybe my friend returning from Europe will be the glue that pulls the old group together again. Maybe my new friendships won’t have changed at all after our time apart and maybe they’ll continue to grow stronger. Maybe the new schedule will open me up to opportunities to meet more people and make new friends. Positivity, yay!

Now that I’ve nearly convinced myself I have no reason to have back to school blues, I’m feeling excited and optimistic about my homecoming tomorrow. What I’m not feeling excited about is all the packing I need to finish up tonight just so I can unpack it all again tomorrow in my dorm. Wish me luck.

– Jade Alexandra

Look Great, Feel Great

Hey, hey, today I felt lame so I did my makeup and wore my new favorite pair of shoesies. There’s nothing like playing a little dress up to get you cheered up.

Head to toe:

Green sweater: purchased at H&M, love because its super comfy cozy and its casual but cute so you look great effortlessly. PLUS its the exact color of my eyes so that rocks.

Black studded belt: purchased at H&M for a mere $1.50

Mid-rise grey cropped pants: purchased at Target for $5.00. One of my favorite buys; they go with everything. You can’t see in the picture but there’s lil zippers on the bottom of the sides of the sides of the pant legs giving them a little extra edge. The higher rise is perfect for the semi-cropped sweater.

Black Dr. Martens: aka my new favorite shoes I’m literally actually in love. They’re simple, classic, versatile, sturdy, comfortable (no seriously I feel like I’m walking on clouds) and overall just perfection. If boots are your thing, get. a. pair. You won’t regret it.

I’m a strong believer in fashion as an expression of self and a reflection of who you are. I also think that what you wear and how you present yourself can positively or negatively affect your mood and confidence. I mean think about it, when you wear your favorite outfit, the sweater or shoes or jacket you own that you love the most, don’t you feel amazing? You feel great in what you’re wearing and you therefore feel great about yourself. You feel confident and powerful and happy and unstoppable. Your day ends up being amazing, and the rare times it doesn’t, at least you looked fabulous. Meanwhile, the day you’re out of laundry and go out wearing granny panties and that pair of jeans that just don’t fit the same anymore, you feel frumpy and self-conscious. Lots of people I know have the mentality that the effort it takes to put together an outfit and apply makeup is too time-consuming, unnecessary, and maybe even a little vain.  But the truth is, I want to feel great every day. I want to feel confident and powerful. So I’m going to wear something that I think looks great, that I feel confident in. Does that make me vain? That I’m dressing to make myself happy? That spending time in the morning putting on make-up makes me feel pampered and relaxed? I don’t think so. And if you feel confident and happy in sweats and no make-up then go for it. What you wear should make you happy and confident about being in your own skin. And who doesn’t want that?

I don’t know, maybe that’s just me. But maybe if how I dress can boost my mood,  the way you dress can improve yours too. Hoping all you cool cats looked and felt fabulous today.

– Jade Alexandra

Brb, Gagging

Today was weird and lame and boring and I was feeling restless and rebellious and teenager-y so tonight I did the really immature and yet really necessary thing of sneaking some of my parent’s alcohol for my own personal enjoyment. And guess what, it was freaking disgusting; 0 out of 10, would not recommend.

No but seriously it tasted like shit. I didn’t know it was going to be that bad.

Now, I’m not really a drinker. Until recently, I thought I’d never drink just because the thought of it didn’t appeal to me. I had a sip of some wine like all kids probably do when they’re little and I thought it was grody. It smelled bad and tasted worse. Plus, my parents aren’t huge drinkers – my dad doesn’t drink at all and my mom drinks rarely and hardly ever in front of me or my brother. I didn’t grow up where alcohol was like a thing that was normal so I never pictured it as part of my life or something I’d do when I was older. I didn’t party in high school and I’ve been to a few parties since being in college, but honestly the whole atmosphere is a turn off for me. I mean, I always have fun with my friends, but being one of the only completely sober people it’s really obvious that parties are much more fun when you’re drunk. And being drunk and not in complete control of myself never appealed to me before. Like at all. Hello, designated driver! Not to mention, I’m still underage and I’m normally a disgustingly big, fat goody two-shoes so I figured that since I wasn’t too stoked on the drinking idea anyways, I’d have no problem waiting til I was 21 to wait and see how I felt about it then.

But then recently I’ve had the overwhelming urge to see what I’m missing out on. What the hell, I’m young. I’m allowed to be stupid and party and drink and have fun. I didn’t think I was giving it enough of a chance. I had all these stigmas and judgments and crap that were probably in the way of me actually trying it. Who knows? Maybe I’d actually like it. Maybe it’s actually not as disgusting as I thought when I was eleven or twelve.

Nope, I was wrong; definitely still as disgusting. My optimism failed me. Like honestly I almost spit, had to eat tons of food between sips just to get the taste out of my mouth, and couldn’t even finish the tiny bit I poured for myself. I mean I know it sounds lame but who cares, I hated it. I mean, I’m seeing the appeal of alcohol more and more as I get older and want to let loose and have fun. But if it tastes like shit, is it really worth it?

I’m guessing that other alcoholic beverages are better. The only thing my parents had open was like some bubbly white wine thing. Ugh, it was terrible. Maybe it was juvenile to steal some of my parents wine but the experience has made my evening more interesting, livened my spirits a little bit (ha ha spirits – see what I did there?? Ha I’m lame ok bye), and made me realize I’m not totally opposed to drinking. Maybe I just have to find the right drink. Or maybe drinking’s not for me at all. And whatever is the case is cool. We’ll just have to see.

In the meantime, I’ll be stuffing my face with chocolate ice cream to get these god-awful crap taste out of my mouth.

– Jade Alexandra

:D LOL I’m Stupid & H8 Myself :D

Tonight as I sit here staring at the blank page in front of me I realize I have absolutely nothing and absolutely everything to say. My mind is blank, but there are hundreds of thousands of thoughts buzzing around in there. The buzzing noise is so strong and constant it’s almost unrecognizable anymore. It’s a loud silence, a white noise.

I literally have no idea what to write or say or do. I’m currently extremely overwhelmed and confused and in no mood to write. My eyes sting and burn, my head pounds, my breath hitches in my lungs. In the past 24 hours, I feel as if I’ve aged thirty years. I have cried a hundred oceans. I have seen my future a thousand times and have feared it just as many. And I have hated myself endlessly. I’ve spent hour upon hour staring at a screen, getting lost in someone else’s life and problems and distracting myself from my own.

Two nights ago I was so optimistic that I wouldn’t be sad again in a while. That I could make it back to school and with a change of pace and scenery I’d be okay. And yet now I’m lower than I could have ever imagined. I not only feel like I hit rock bottom, but that I’m buried six feet underneath it. Maybe I’d like to be there. There where it doesn’t matter that I’m an incompetent, abnormal, dysfunctional member of the human race. There where there’s the same number of people who care about me as here. (Zero). There where its cold and empty and tucked away from everyone and everything that drives me insane.

Everyone says that I overreact and that I’m too dramatic. But I can’t control the way I feel. I can’t control the way I react to things. And certain things affect me deeply. I’m a perfectionist. And I hate myself when I can’t do something. Especially things that hundreds of thousands of other people have absolutely no problem with. I hate not being able to measure up. When I can’t accomplish anything that I feel I should be able to, when I see how far I am from measuring up, I see all my faults, all my inabilities, all my disabilities that pertain to every single other aspect of my life. It’s a massive downward spiral. And as I start at the top with one problem and fail and fall and roll down the hill, I see and collect all my other problems and all the other times I’ve failed along the way until I get to the bottom and keep rolling and crying and rolling and crying in one huge mess.

And I hate this about myself. But that’s not the only thing I hate about myself. There are hundreds of things but keeping in line with my better judgement I won’t list or dwell on them as that is a sure recipe for disaster; cause for another 24 hour crying spree.

I really don’t know where the hell I’m going with all of this or why the fuck I thought it would be a good idea to write it all down and post it publicly on a blog. But I’m too drained and overwhelmed and sad and exhausted and delirious to give a crap at the moment. I considered not posting. But I thought maybe thinking and writing things through would help.

It didn’t.

Here’s to a night of falling asleep to another season of Netflix so I don’t have to cry myself there.

– Jade Alexandra