#newyearnewme

Well, what do you know its 2014.

In the blink of an eye, 2013 has passed and a new year is upon us with a fresh-face and the hopeful promise of a clean slate. And sure, most of us have good intentions at the beginning of the year. We clean our slates of last year’s crap and plan to eat better, work out more, complain less and fix our bad habits. I can’t even tell you how many times my New Year’s Resolution was to stop biting my fingernails. I’m at least 97.5% sure that ever since I was old enough to know what resolutions were, I’d promise myself to end my disgusting habit once and for all and I’m 100% sure that I failed in about 1-2 weeks every single year.

Don’t get me wrong, I tried to keep up with it. Don’t we all? The first month or so goes really well. You’re working out and eating healthy and feeling good and loving life but then you get to February and Valentines Day and you’re lonely so you decide to have a piece of chocolate or ten because they’re just so good and you deserve this gosh darn it you’ve been working so hard and nobody loves you but chocolate always will. Then you sleep in late the next morning instead of going to the gym and once you’ve slacked off on your resolution once, it’s even easier to do it again and the next thing you know it spirals out of control and its November and you’re a fat couch-potato again.

Maybe that’s a little extreme but whatever.

The point is that I had kinda given up on resolutions. Not because it’s bad to set yourself goals or have hopes and desires for the new year, but because they always fail. Like always. No seriously, always. For anybody and everybody. Who the hell keeps their resolution all freaking year anyways? If you have, please come talk to me and I will give you a hug and a gold star and commend you for your hard work and dedication and then probably be really bitter for the next week or so that someone out there has way more dedication and resolve than I do.

But I mean, is biting your nails really that bad? Do I really need to dedicate an entire year to focus on curing my bad habit of gnawing at my fingers? I don’t mind that I bite them. Yeah its gross, it’s not endearing, I’ll get sick, no I don’t know how many people’s germs I’m chewing on, fine okay I’ll stop. No! I won’t! Not because I can’t. But because I really don’t think it matters. I only ever tried to stop because people kept telling me it was disgusting and that I should stop. (And by people I mean my mother.)

Is biting my fingernails hurting me? Maybe.

Am I mature enough to understand and deal with the consequences that chewing on my fingernails brings dirt and germs from all over the world into my mouth? Yes.

Is it an outward sign of and coping mechanism  for my internal anxiety and nervousness? Probably. But alas, biting my nails is much easier and cheaper than seeing a shrink for the insignificant day to day occurrences that cause me to bite them.

Like I said, the only real reason I ever tried stop was because other people didn’t like it. Maybe this is gross, but I do like it. It’s comforting. I don’t even realize I’m doing it half the time. I gave up resolving to stop biting my nails every year because why shouldn’t I be happy with myself? Why should I make a resolution to please others? Do I really need to lose ten pounds? Would that make me happy, or would it make society happy? I’m only telling myself I need to lose the weight because other people are telling me to. Do I, and my body, and my habits exist to please them? Why don’t I spend my year making something of myself, doing things, living life instead of picking apart all my flaws and trying to fix them?

But then today, I read this article. And it was pretty eye-opening. It was less about New Years Resolutions and more about facts of life that, if you accept and understand them, you’ll be on the way to making yourself a better person. Some parts of it were irritatingly cynical and hard to read. It argues that we do exist to serve people, which in a way contradicts what I said about us not existing to please others. But that’s not the main thing I got out of the article. What hit home for me is that we as humans are happier when we are DOING. When we are creating. When we are LIVING. I have an extremely bad tendency to be super lazy. I’m currently on Christmas Break like all other students, and almost every day I’ve done literally nothing but sleep and watch TV and lay around. And then I wonder why I feel bad and hate myself. It’s up to me what I do with my life. It’s up to me whether or not I’m a boring or interesting person. There are so many options, possibilities in this life. I technically have the power to do pretty much whatever I want right now. I could pack up my things, drop out of school, move to a small town in the mid-west and work as a waitress at Denny’s. I could buy a really weird hat and start wearing it all the time and literally never take it off, even in the shower. I could go stand at the side of the road with my thumb out and hitchhike to wherever anyone will take me (and possibly kidnap and rape me) but the point is I could do anything. SO WHY DON’T I.

I spend year after year doing the same old thing. School. I’m a sophmore in college now and I’ve literally done nothing extremely significant with my life. And whose fault is that? Mine. I can’t blame the fact that I don’t have a lot of money. I can’t blame my parents for being boring uninteresting home-bodies who never took me traveling or out to do things when I was a kid or even now. I can’t blame being busy because what the hell, I’ve had three weeks of no school and I’ve literally sat on my ass watching Netflix, scrolling through Tumblr, and stalking my friends on social media wishing I was doing fun, exciting things like them for about half of it now.

So I’ve decided it’s time.

I’m going to improve myself. I’m going to improve my life. I’m going to improve my happiness.

I’m going to write.

So, ta-daaa!! Here’s my blog! The one I’ve been thinking about for years now and yet never created because 1) I’m lazy and 2) I always convince myself I’m not good enough to write a blog but 3) what the hell do I mean I’m not good enough literally half the people on this planet blog and 4) if it sucks, oh well because 5) how the hell am I going to become a good writer if I never write??

I don’t really know what I’m going to write about yet. Everything, I guess? I mean, haha, oops I don’t know if you know this but I really have no clue of what I’m doing with my life but who knows? Maybe this will help me figure some of it out. Maybe it’ll force me to look at the world and my life more closely and in different ways so that I actually have things to write about. Maybe it’ll force me to go out and do shit because no one’s going to want to read about how late I slept in and all the series I’m watching on Netflix.

Well, I doubt anyone is going to read about my pathetic life at all, but regardless, it will give ME purpose and that is the point. A focus. A purpose. An inspiration. An outlet to produce. A platform for my creativity. A place to practice and perfect my craft so that maybe someday people actually WILL read the pathetic things I write.

So here I am, 12:30 a.m. on the third day of this brand new year with my brand new blog that will hopefully help bring me brand new ways to think about and experience life. Maybe this new year actually WILL bring a new me this time.

And I’m pretty sure this new me also bites her fingernails.

Cheers, here’s to 2014.

– Jade Alexandra

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