I have to admit, I’m kind of glad the holidays are over. It’s not that I don’t enjoy them, I just feel like I’m not enjoying them as much as I should or could be. All the shopping and cooking and socializing with family you may or may not get along with can be draining and stressful.
I tend to get pretty down around the holidays. My family’s pretty quiet and laid back, which is good in most cases I guess, but it makes holidays pretty anti-climatic because nothing really happens. Sometimes I’d rather have the hustle and bustle and stress and crazy family everywhere because it would mean SOMETHING was going on, instead of boring old nothing. And even though I am lucky enough to get the opportunities to spend the holidays with my family, I often end up feeling lonely and sad, and I’m not sure why this happens. Is it just the fact that I’m getting older, so the sparkle and glow and excitement of a big turkey dinner, Christmas morning, and the crystal ball dropping at midnight don’t bring the awe and joy as they used to? Or is it just a me problem that causes me to spend at least one holiday upset and in tears? Is it my fault my expectations for the holidays aren’t met? Am I the only one who feels like this during the holidays? Regardless, I’m glad the holiday season is behind us even if it means the quickening approach of the second half of the school year.
In an attempt to move on from the holidays and 2013 for good, I’m going to leave this poem I wrote on the 31st here as a reminder that I don’t want to be at this point again for a while. That in a week, I’ll be back at school and I won’t be this kind of sad or lonely. That in a week, the things that happened over break won’t really matter all that much because I’ll be focused on things that have real value to me; my studies and the relationships I have with the people who make up my second family at school.
[New Year’s Eve]
It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m feeling
Sad and insecure
You’re on the other side of the world
Taking shots and partying,
Cheering as the fireworks go off,
Kissing a beautiful girl
That is not me
Dancing her into the year’s first morning
As the alcohol dances in your veins
And taking her to bed where
You fend off the biting cold
With the heat of bare skin inflamed with lust.
Meanwhile I’m lying in my own bed;
Its midafternoon and I’m drunk
On your memories and self-loathing,
The ball isn’t even close to dropping
And I’m already lonely.
For those of you who have already returned to your high schools and colleges/universities; I’m sorry you don’t get to enjoy the extra week of freedom I was lucky enough to receive, but good luck on your first week back and I’ll be joining all you hard workers soon enough!
– Jade Alexandra