Tonight as I sit here staring at the blank page in front of me I realize I have absolutely nothing and absolutely everything to say. My mind is blank, but there are hundreds of thousands of thoughts buzzing around in there. The buzzing noise is so strong and constant it’s almost unrecognizable anymore. It’s a loud silence, a white noise.
I literally have no idea what to write or say or do. I’m currently extremely overwhelmed and confused and in no mood to write. My eyes sting and burn, my head pounds, my breath hitches in my lungs. In the past 24 hours, I feel as if I’ve aged thirty years. I have cried a hundred oceans. I have seen my future a thousand times and have feared it just as many. And I have hated myself endlessly. I’ve spent hour upon hour staring at a screen, getting lost in someone else’s life and problems and distracting myself from my own.
Two nights ago I was so optimistic that I wouldn’t be sad again in a while. That I could make it back to school and with a change of pace and scenery I’d be okay. And yet now I’m lower than I could have ever imagined. I not only feel like I hit rock bottom, but that I’m buried six feet underneath it. Maybe I’d like to be there. There where it doesn’t matter that I’m an incompetent, abnormal, dysfunctional member of the human race. There where there’s the same number of people who care about me as here. (Zero). There where its cold and empty and tucked away from everyone and everything that drives me insane.
Everyone says that I overreact and that I’m too dramatic. But I can’t control the way I feel. I can’t control the way I react to things. And certain things affect me deeply. I’m a perfectionist. And I hate myself when I can’t do something. Especially things that hundreds of thousands of other people have absolutely no problem with. I hate not being able to measure up. When I can’t accomplish anything that I feel I should be able to, when I see how far I am from measuring up, I see all my faults, all my inabilities, all my disabilities that pertain to every single other aspect of my life. It’s a massive downward spiral. And as I start at the top with one problem and fail and fall and roll down the hill, I see and collect all my other problems and all the other times I’ve failed along the way until I get to the bottom and keep rolling and crying and rolling and crying in one huge mess.
And I hate this about myself. But that’s not the only thing I hate about myself. There are hundreds of things but keeping in line with my better judgement I won’t list or dwell on them as that is a sure recipe for disaster; cause for another 24 hour crying spree.
I really don’t know where the hell I’m going with all of this or why the fuck I thought it would be a good idea to write it all down and post it publicly on a blog. But I’m too drained and overwhelmed and sad and exhausted and delirious to give a crap at the moment. I considered not posting. But I thought maybe thinking and writing things through would help.
Here’s to a night of falling asleep to another season of Netflix so I don’t have to cry myself there.
– Jade Alexandra