Disappointed, Disjointed

The feeling of disappointment is honestly one of the worst feelings ever.

My day proved to be rather long and stressful and although it had its good moments, I couldn’t help but hope and look forward to the opportunity to relax, de-stress, and get distracted by having a little fun with a friend tonight. But that opportunity came and went and the evening I was hoping for did not happen at all. And I guess I’m partially to blame as I didn’t take any obvious, real action into making the evening I dreamed of happen. But for the first time in like ever I ignored the natural planner in me and decided to sit back and let things happen on their own terms instead of forcing myself upon my friend who may have had other plans for the evening. I should have just texted them to see what was up. But no, I thought I could play it cool and be laid back and easy-going and whatever about it.

At the same time I don’t feel like it’s my fault completely; circumstantial events and situations kept said friend and I apart all day, so we never had the opportunity to touch bases with each other and see what was up for tonight, if anything. If I knew we would have to wait for another night to hang, I wouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. I just hate the unknown. And there’s just a lot of unknowns in our friendship. But they were busy and I was busy and neither of us communicated effectively so our possible evening came and went and now I’m feeling disappointed and disjointed, like I’m missing something that was essential to my day. Because if I had had my ideal evening I would certainly not be sitting alone in my dorm room right now typing this post and feeling upset and unwanted.

But, so what? My evening did not go as planned, oh well. I still got to hang out with other friends and we had a good night together. I wish I would have enjoyed it more instead of thinking about the other friend the majority of the time. And having the dorm to myself tonight makes me feel lonelier after my missed friend date, but I should be happy I get the room to myself for a little while.  And as for spending time with the friend being missed, there’s always tomorrow and the rest of the weekend to have a good time together. Everything happens the way it does for whatever reason. But if it’s meant to happen it will and on its own time. There will be other nights.

I don’t know if giving myself that hope is a good thing considering the hope I had for this night is what led to the disappointment I’m feeling now. But it’s true I guess. And it’s inevitable that as the semester goes on and we get used to all the new classes and activities we’re tackling, we’ll be able to work out our combined schedules and see we’ll be able to spend time together. Until then, disappointment sucks and I’ll be trying not to get too hopeful the rest of the week that way I can let myself be fully happy and surprised and overcome with joy when it just works out for the two of us to be reunited.

– Jade Alexandra


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