Probably Broken

So clearly I’m doing a real swell job of blogging. I’m finding that I’m gloriously mediocre in all areas of my life. I can’t manage to do anything very well. Lame at boys, lame at blogging, lame at life.

Speaking of lame at life, I’m pretty lame at London. Like I’m also finding that I’m probably broken. Except not probably, but actually. Because any other person would be stoked out of their mind to be in the UK right now. Any other person would be like, “WOW! LONDON!” and soaking it all up, marveling at every minute of it. And I’m sitting here like, “Meh, it’s alright I guess.” And I feel like a terrible ungrateful bitch for not being stoked on every second of my life here. But I am so grateful for this experience, and I am so happy that I am here.

Somehow I just feel so apathetic.

Like it’s great and all, but. I could be home. I could be anywhere else. I could be anywhere else and probably feel the same. I think I’m broken because I can’t enjoy anything. I’m too pessimistic. Too negative. I could be anywhere doing things other people consider awesome and great and I’d probably still be complaining.

Will I ever be able to find joy in anything? It’s not that I’m unhappy here….apart from an extreme bout of homesickness last week, I’ve been content. Content but not over the moon. And I should be. Where is my happiness? Where is my love and joy and passion? I can’t let it only come from boys who don’t really love me. I can’t let it come from the attention I get from other people but that’s what I do. I am so broken. My heart, my head. I’m fucked.

I find my joy in other people. I’ve been so lucky to have the roommates that I do. We get along so well and I love them both. It’s crazy to think I didn’t know either of them before…and now we are so close; laughing and joking all the time. They are the people I do the most of my adventuring with and the most of my non-adventuring with. Most of the time you can find the three of us in the room in our own respective beds, under the covers just hanging out, enjoying down time. I’m afraid we make down time too much of a priority sometimes….we can sleep and watch Netflix when we get home; when are we going to have London at our fingertips again? But the main point in me sharing about them is that 90% of the joyful moments I’ve had here have been with them. Just us joking in the room or having a picnic cheese and wine night in a local park. Not even doing London-y travel-y study abroad things. But these are the moments I am going to remember. Anyone Big Ben or the London Eye in a picture, or in real life. But even though they’re beautiful and cool in person I can’t connect with them in a meaningful way. But people become so important to me.

Maybe I am broken. Or maybe traveling, stupidly, doesn’t excite me. But I think I would enjoy myself anywhere in the world as long as I had great people with me. If I had gone to Spain, or France, or Mexico, or New York, or Nebraska, I doubt I’d enjoy any of them as much if I was alone or with people who I couldn’t laugh and share the experience with.

Here’s to hoping brokenness heals and to every day finding one small reason to love London.

– Jade Alexandra


One thought on “Probably Broken

  1. your post is well written. Don’t place your self-worth and happiness into other people. It works like the law of attraction: if you expect misery and mediocrity you will get misery and mediocrity. Keep practising and the results will come!

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